What do a workout bench, a satellite, and a zombie have in common? Dating don’ts

What sounds like the start of a classic dad joke (and perhaps is) refers to dating etiquette that completely ignores any rules of conduct. There are now so many of these that it’s hard to keep track of them all and figure out exactly what kind of rudeness you’re being subjected to. Below, you’ll find a sort of glossary of behaviors that definitely fall into the “don’ts” category.

B for “Benching”: You might recognize this term from sports, and that’s exactly where the “warm-up bench” belongs. In benching, potential dating partners are kept on the back burner in case things don’t work out with your current crush.

C for Catfishing: Since 2012, the MTV reality show of the same name—in which two hosts track down people who pretend to be someone else online, leading their online dating partners to believe they are dating that person—has gained fame over the course of eight seasons. Even though catfishing can involve intentionally harming another person, low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence can lead people to feel that they have to pretend to be someone else just to have any chance at all in the dating pool.

G for Ghosting: The classic example of bad manners in the dating world. When someone is ghosted, they often wonder if something has happened to the other person—perhaps if they’re in the hospital after a breakup—since their date suddenly stopped replying out of the blue. Ghosting is an avoidance strategy in which the person doing the ghosting wants to avoid a clarifying conversation because it could potentially be uncomfortable. When deciding to ghost someone, one’s own comfort takes precedence over respect for the other person.

Ghosting: A clear no-go.

I for “Ick”: Not a deal-breaker in and of itself, but one that often leads to deal-breakers. Have you ever been totally smitten with someone, only to find out by chance that they do something that isn’t necessarily a red flag, but is personally unbearable to you? Like regularly gargling with pickle juice? The moment the “ick” arises can become a point of no return, where it’s up to the person who’s gotten the “ick” to initiate a conversation and not just vanish into thin air—which would then be a no-go, because after all, the other person has no idea that their beloved pickle juice ritual is causing a rift.

L for Love Bombing: What sounds wonderful at first is, in fact, wonderful at first. In love bombing, a dating partner showers their partner with love, affection, and every kind of attention imaginable—until they stop. This nasty tactic is used to make the other person dependent on them and thus exert control. To be perfectly clear: Love bombing is a form of emotional abuse.

M for Mosting: Mosting is an extreme form of ghosting, as this toxic behavior is preceded by declarations of love and similar gestures. The reasons for mosting are similar to those for ghosting and reflect a lack of emotional intelligence when it comes to handling the situation responsibly toward the other person.

N for Negging: In negging, hurtful insults are disguised as compliments, such as “There are certainly more attractive people than you, but you’re very generous.” The purpose of this form of emotional abuse is to undermine the other person’s self-confidence and self-worth and to gain control.

O for Orbiting: The term “orbiting” describes pretty much the same no-no as the term “benching.” Unlike ghosting, where the other person seems to have completely vanished into thin air, the dating partner in orbiting literally behaves like a satellite circling the Earth, reappearing in your orbit only now and then—sometimes even at what feels like regular intervals. The whole point of this is to keep things warm. Orbiting is often considered worse than ghosting, as a glimmer of hope repeatedly flares up that the satellite might now linger in your own orbit.

P for Pigging: In pigging, someone arranges a date with a person with the goal of belittling them in order to boost their own ego. Pigging is a form of emotional abuse.

R for Red Flag: Unlike green flags—which are behaviors that indicate a person is a trustworthy and great dating partner—red flags are, unfortunately, the exact opposite. Of course, what is perceived as a “red flag” varies from person to person. Classic red flags include physical and emotional abuse, disrespect, controlling behavior, and extreme jealousy.

Z for Zombieing: Zombies are the dead who rise again and then unexpectedly reappear. In short: Zombieing is the same as orbiting and benching.

All of the behaviors mentioned in this likely incomplete list can also occur in non-romantic relationships. No matter what kind of relationship it is, mutual respect and empathy are the foundation of any kind of social connection, and these behaviors have no place in them.