Dating Intentionally: Be Your Own Beacon
Recently, a good friend asked me to swipe for potential dates on the Blindmate app for her. Unlike other dating apps, Blindmate is designed so that close friends and family members search for suitable matches on your behalf. Although I naturally already had an idea of what kind of partner my friend was looking for, I called her and we talked it over. It was clear to her that he should also be open to starting a family and therefore looking for something serious. It was also clear that he shouldn’t be like her ex-partners.
As a scholar of religious studies, I know that religious, spiritual, or religion-like groups struggle with identity formation, distinguishing themselves from others, long-term success, and self-legitimization when they define themselves largely by what they are not (this is the case, for example, with explicitly atheist groups, which define themselves primarily by their lack of belief in a higher power). Even though it might sound strange, bear with me: what applies to groups on the religious spectrum also applies to dating. This means that purposeful dating can only work if there is a clearly defined goal.
Specifically, this means sitting down and thinking about what you’re actually looking for in a partner. Depending on the situation, it can also be helpful to involve a friend. In any case, it’s helpful to ask yourself questions like:
Why am I looking for a partner in the first place, and how do I want our relationship to work?
Depending on my age: What are the things I want out of life that I hope to pursue within this relationship? (e.g., travel, children)
What character traits do I want in a partner?
What personal background factors are important to me in a partner, and why? (e.g., life circumstances, level of education)
Identify red flags and non-negotiables—that is, behaviors or other circumstances that are unacceptable to you under any circumstances.Das Ausformulieren der Gedanken unterstützt massgäblich dabei, beim Dating auf Kurs zu bleiben und sich nicht von irgendwelchen Irrlichtern unnötig vom Kurs abbringen zu lassen. Wichtig ist, dass diese Selbstreflexion als Leuchtturm dient und nicht als Aufzählung optischer Ausschlusskriterien. Schliesslich ist bei einer hohen Kompatibilität allerhöchstens nebensächlich, ob die Person schwarze oder blonde Haare hat. Wichtig ist auch, die Liste nicht ganz tief irgendwo im Schrank zu vergraben, sondern sich immer mal wieder mit dieser zu beschäftigen, um diese zu ergänzen, anzupassen und natürlich um sich selbst auf Kurs zu halten. Klarheit darüber, wer man selbst ist und was man sich in einer Beziehung wünscht, unterstützt dabei, nicht zielführende Verbindungen als solche zu erkennen – das Fundament dafür, sich daraus lösen zu können – und dabei sich nicht selbst zu sabotieren und sich Overthinking hinzugeben.
